did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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