I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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