how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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