When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
