Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
