My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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