I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize