Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize