im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize