mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
