Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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