I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
