So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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