you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
