you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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