You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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