i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
