So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
