the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
