I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
