my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
