the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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