do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
