I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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