Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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