Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
