omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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