I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
