God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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