The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
