I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
