You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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