On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
