i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
