last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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