you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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