hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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