do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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