So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
