I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
