i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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