He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dicks are not precious.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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