ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Never joke about your clitoris.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize