Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
