Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if only i could text you this smell
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
