I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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