Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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