New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
