I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
