Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize