I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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