i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
