i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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