Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
