Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
