Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
