I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
