checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
