Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
