guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
