Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
