In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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