Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
