Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
